No Christmas season would be complete without a compendium of horrible gifts. We’ve decided to offer ours pre-Christmas in case, you know, you’re one of those people who likes to give horrible gifts, or buy them for yourself. All of these are available right now on
Let the fun begin!
1. Truck Nuts / Truck Balls
I’m not sure what kind of guy would want truck nuts, but I’ve seen plenty of them on the road. If the nuts are part of the truck, then what are the people inside the truck? Hmm. These come in a lovely flesh color even. Yeahhh. This would be an especially bad gift for a woman.
2. Banana Bunker
This is actually a protective case for a banana. You thought it was something else, right? This looks like it would be right at home in an adult shop. Just imagine the looks on the faces of friends and loved ones when someone unwraps one of these! There are children in the room! Hide their eyes!
3. Zubas Zebra Print Pants
Those of us who were around for the eighties remember a lot of things fondly. Then there were pants like these which we’d much rather forget. These are far less stylish than even Hammer pants or Spandex rocker pants which were equally popular. Why do these remind me of the Chicago Bears of the eighties so much? I don’t know, but your are bound to either amuse or piss off your friends if you buy them Zubaz. For your pleasure, they come in multiple sizes and styles of ugliness!
4. Toilet Paper Cozy Book
hideous
One of the few gifts worse than a knit toilet paper cozy is
a book on how to make them. The whole idea of a toilet paper cozy is baffling. Whomever came up with the idea must’ve thought, “toilet paper is ugly. How can I make it even uglier?” This book will let you create such gems as a
knit cozy pig. 5. Raining Cats and Dogs Umbrella
The only thing worse than a cliche is an umbrella full of them. This the perfect gift for Captain Obvious. Bound to turn some heads and get some laughs if actually used while it’s raining cats and dogs. If that ever literally happened, seek shelter. Seek animal shelter. (Ok, enough with the bad jokes.)
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6. Frozen Smiles Dentures Ice Cube Tray
There is something special and classic hurl-worthy of dentures in a clear class of liquid. So why not make ice cubes to create this look anytime, anywhere? Rather than give this gift out to others, give the ice cubes as a lovely gift in their drinks at your holiday party. Priceless! Watch as everyone looks to see if Grandma or Grandpa lost their teeth.
7. Squirrel Underpants
The one thing arguably harder than trying to put clothing on a cat is putting underpants on a squirrel. Who would want to? I don’t know. Who would invent these? I don’t know and don’t ever want to know. This could really be the gift for the person who has everything — everything except squirrel underpants!
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Last but not least is the worst gift a) for the buyer who has more dollars than sense and b) for the rich person who is a little eccentric. What could it be? Why yes, it’s a purple statue of a man with a discus of some sort. It can be yours for less than $135,000!!! It’s true, you really can find ANYTHING on amazon. Anyone who has this kind of money to blow on a gift should send some of it this way. They won’t even have to buy me anything!
Our weird item this week is actually a practical one, especially if people purloin your lunch on a regular bases. Put your sandwich/ food du jour into one of the pre-bugged lunchbags and scare the thieves away for sure. Note: these are not actual bugs, as that would be beyond gross, unless you are Andrew Zimmern and enjoy eating gross things such as cockroaches and flies for fun. Or if you are part frog. Ribbit.
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